Scene One: At GA Towers, Sarah has just dropped the bombshell (again) that she is leaving Girls Aloud, after Lily encouraged her to join new group Harding Church of Allen. The girls stand there open-mouthed - Long pause.
Nadine: "Well don't just stand there. Cheryl, get the gag and the straight jacket. Kimberley, lights. Jane, do your stuff."
Kim dims the lights while Cheryl fetches the restraints. Nicola stands and stares hard at Sarah.
Sarah: "Eh? What's everyone doing? Ouch!"
Cheryl: "It's for yar own good!"
Cheryl puts Sarah in the straight jacket and fastens it tightly.
Sarah: "What the fuck are you playing at?! You can't get away with this you bit.... mmmmm!"
Sarah's protests become muffled as Cheryl sellotapes her mouth closed.
Cheryl: "You know very well what we're playing at. This is the third time we've 'ad to fuckin' do this!"
Suddenly the ground starts rumbling and the air becomes smoky.
Kimberley: "Don't be too hard on her Nicola, love."
Nadine: "She deserves it! The little tearaway! She has to learn some time. Jane don't..."
Cheryl: "It's Nicola!"
Nadine: "Yes... Jane, don't hold back."
The girls start to stumble over as they watch Nicola at work. The ground shakes violently and the room fills with bubbling fiery clouds. Nicola's eyes start glowing red.
Sarah: "Mmmmm!!!"
Sarah screams and struggles to get out of her straight jacket. Horns emerge from Nicola's forehead and a black pair of wings sprout from her back.
Kimberley: "Oooh, it's getting quite hot in here" - she says, steadying herself on the kitchen table.
Nadine starts pacing back and forth between Nicola's fiery glare and Sarah, struggling in her chair.
Nadine: "You know the deal, Sarah. We had an agreement when we formed this band - a contract that can never be broken."
Cheryl: "Can we not be long with this. Match Of The Day starts in a minute like."
Sarah squirms and Nadine continues
Nadine: "Girls Aloud is forever. You can never leave! We'll be together forever! We're for eternity!" - she screams
Forks of lightning flash across the room as Nadine lets out an almighty laugh.
Nicola: "Aaaragh!"
In the blink of an eye, everything is back to normal. The flames have disappeared, the ground has stopped shaking, and Nicola is on the floor, weeping.
Cheryl: "Ah, look now. You've worked her too hard. Come here Nicola."
Sarah: "Mmmm! Mmmm!"
Kimberley runs over and rips the sellotape from Sarah's mouth.
Nadine: "What?"
Sarah: "I said yes, okay I'll stay, I won't leave the band"
Nadine: "Jolly good then"
Sarah: "But you've all got to treat me with a bit more respect. A lot more respect! Stop treating me like a child. I'm the oldest out of the lot of you!"
Nadine: "Yes well. Early start tomorrow everyone. We've got a video shoot to attend.
Kimberley: "Really? It's not in the diary..."
Nadine: "Yes, and no excuses in the morning. Like hangovers, Sarah!"
Sarah: *snores*
Scene Two: It's 7AM. Kimberley walks out into the garden, towards the shed with a cup of coffee in her hand. She knocks and opens the door.
Kimberley: "Coowee! Hello?"
Brian: "Uh? Wha'?"
Brian is lying on the floor under a pile of records and other rubble. He has been in a deep sleep, but comes around slowly as Kimberley taps him gently.
Kimberley: "Morning Brian. Another late one last night, was it?"
Brian: "Yes! What... what day is it?"
Kimberley: " It's Wednesday morning and we're..."
Brian: "Christ! Deadlines.. deadlines..."
Brian shoots up off the floor and starts rattling around with his equipment
Brian: "I've got to get this finished!"
Kimberley: "Are you still fiddling with the album, Brian?"
Brian: "You don't understand!... y, you don't get it! I would have have it finished months ago if it wasn't for that bloody woman, Nadine! 'Ooh Brian, I've had this marvelous idea'. 'Oh Brian, let me just do that vocal one more time, darling'. Just last night she was in here begging me to produce this 'amazing' new song she had written for the album."
Kimberley: "And was it any good?"
Brain: "Well... it wasn't exactly so much a song she had written.."
Kimberley: "Well she does try..."
Brian: "It was Fields Of Gold"
Kimberley: "Oh, not again. You poor man. I've told you before, sometimes you just need to put your foot down with Nadine. Or just go through the motions, pretend you're recording, say 'that's fabulous, I think we're all done", and she'll leave you alone. She soon gets bored."
Brian: "Yes well that stunt only works the first thousand times, even with Nad..."
All of a sudden, a round plastic object shoots through the air and out of the shed door, almost decapitating Kimberley.
Kimberley: "Bloody hell, what was that?"
Brian: "Oh, it's a tambourine. I must have the stove up too high."
Kimberley: "Eh?"
Brian: "Oh it's a new experiment I'm trying. I get a bunch of random instruments, stir them together in this big pot. Add a helping of Xenomania juice... - Kimberley goes into the shed and observes - ...hook it up to the amplifier, and record whatever sound comes out. I've had some interesting results so far..."
Kimberley: "Really? Sounds a bit mental."
Brian: "Yes, that's how I made your last single."
Kimberley: "Oh right. Does Nicola know you're using her cauldron?"
Cheryl: (from the back door) "Mam, the car's here"
Kimberley: Well Brian, have fun with your little experiment. We're off to record the new video now."
Brian: "Must finish the album! Got to get it finished!"
Kimberley: "Yes, good luck with that. Fucking lunatic" - she says under her breath as she walks back towards the house.
Cheryl: "Come on mam. The driver says he's gonna charge waiting time if we're much longer."
Kimberley: "Really? What happened to Drew? Why isn't he driving us?"
Cheryl: "This is Drew"
Kimberley: "Oh"
Cheryl: "Yeah, apparently after Sarah puked up in the back for the fifth time, he's started charging us because we're such a nightmare."
Kimberley: "But he only drives us. He's our personal driver. We employ him!"
Cheryl: "No, he was telling me the other day he's branching out. He does the Sugababes now, and everyone. Only the other day he dropped Madonna off at Waitrose."
Kimberley: "Ooh, very nice. I thought Madge was more of an Asda girl. Now, how is Sarah this morning?"
They look over at Sarah in her pyjamas and sunglasses, holding her head.
Sarah: *grunts*
Scene Three: It's 8AM and the girls have just arrived at the airport.
Nadine: "Kind sir, kind sir. Would you kindly take my bags and escort me to our jet."
The airport man looks at Nadine blankly.
Nadine: "Oh god, he's a foreigner" - she says under her breath - "J'mapelle Nadine Coyle. Je suis une fantastico singero superstarro" - she says in a slow, raised voice - "Me go L.A.X. Take moi to plane pronto. Por favor."
The airport man continues gawping at Nadine with a puzzled expression. Then he takes his earphones out.
Airport Man 1: "'Ere, Nige! It's that Irish bird off Popstars"
Nadine: "Oh, it talks"
Airport Man 2 (Nige): "Oh are! Are your friends 'ere darlin'? Cheryl and that?"
Nadine: "Yes, listen I'm trying to get to LA for a very important appointment. Now will one of you take my bags and lead me to my jet."
Airport Man 1: "We're cleaners darlin'. We're sweepin' up. We don't know nothin' about no private jet..."
Nadine: "Well why are you wasting my time then?! Honestly..."
Cheryl: (calling from the queue) "We're over here Nadine"
Nadine: "What?"
Cheryl: "Quick, they've gotta check our suitcases in a bit"
Airport Man 2 (Nige): "Private jet?.. Oh dear, another deluded old popstar. We get so many of your sort coming' and goin' through 'ere. Who do you think yo are?
Nadine stares at the men for a second, then flicks her hair.
Nadine: "I'm the Supreme Queen Nadine. And don't you forget it"
She empties a packet of Skips onto the floor in front of Nigel.
Nadine: "Oh look, you missed a bit there darling" - she says, stamping the crisps into bits, before scurrying off to her band mates.
Cheryl: "What were you talking to those cleaners for?"
Nadine: "Erm, directions, I was asking for directions."
Cheryl: "What? You've made this same journey a thousand times before, t'ya boyfriend's house."
Nadine: "Oh Jesse, my darling Jesse."
Cheryl: "God, here she goes again"
Kimberley: "Now, have we got everything? Passports, tickets, straighteners?"
Nicola: "Mum, there's only four tickets 'ere. Shite, where's the other one?!"
Kimberley: "Have you dropped it somewhere? Look on the floor, everyone."
Nicola: "No, Nadine just gave me them now. Said they were too heavy"
Kimberley: "Nadine, we've only got four tickets. Is the other one in your bag? You booked them the other week, didn't you?"
Nadine: "Yes, four tickets. Me, you, Cheryl and Sarah."
Cheryl: "And Nicola..."
Nadine: "Oh, Jane, is she coming?"
Kimberley: "Nadine! Of course she is! Oh, what are we going to do?!"
Kimberley looks concerned. Nicola crosses her arms and rolls her eyes.
Nadine: "Oh she can film her bits for the video in a green room, and they'll just photoshop her in later."
Kimberley: "Don't be ridiculous. Oh Nadine, oh god!"
Nadine: "Oh stop moaning Kimberley. Jane darling, come her, you'll have to come in my bag as hand luggage. Quick Cheryl, cover us. Jane, get in my bag, there should be enough room. You're only a tiny thing"
Nicola climbs into Nadine's very spacious handbag.
Kimberley: "Oh, we'll never get away with this."
Cheryl: "Blimey Nadine, we should call you Mary Poppins with a bag like that!"
Nadine: "Poppins? Who is this Mary Poppins?"
Cheryl: "Oh never mind. Sarah, are you okay? You look a bit... green."
Sarah shakes her head
Sarah: "I think I'm gonna be sick"
Cheryl: Oh shit, no. Run to the bog, quickly!"
Sarah: "No time"
Sarah grabs Nadine's bag and throws up in it.
Sarah: "Ah, that feels better"
Nicola: "Sarah, you fuckin' twat. You just puked in me hair!"
Sarah: Sorryyy! I didn't know you were in there!
She inspects the bag
Sarah: "Oh it's okay. No, the carrots kinda blend in."
Nicola: "Ah, it fuckin' reeks!"
Sarah: "Ooh, it must have been a dodgy fish finger from last might. Mum, where did you buy them from?"
Kimberley: "Sarah, you didn't eat any, remember? You were five hours late for dinner."
Cheryl: "No, it'll probably be the ten gallons of cider you drank last night."
Sarah: No, I got up in the night. I was starving and I had a couple of fish fingers. Perhaps I shouldn't have eaten them straight out of the box."
Cheryl: "You think?"
Amy: "Awight Sarah? Aars it garn, ma lav?
Sarah: "Oh hiya Amy, yeah not bad."
Amy: "I 'eard ya bein' sick. I could recognise that barf a mile off!"
Sarah: "Yeah, ooops. I'm okay now, though. So where you off to then?"
Amy: "Oh just LA, again" - she complains
Sarah: "Ah wicked, and us! What are you going for?"
Amy: "Ah, just sam poxy film I've got a role in."
Sarah: "Oh, really? What film?"
Amy: "Err, it's cawled James, James Bond or samink"
Sarah: "James Bond! Oh wow, what do you play?"
Amy: "I dunnaw really. They said it's Bond Girl or samink"
Sarah: "Wow! I'm so jealous Ames!"
Amy: "Yeah, they want me to do the bladdy soundtrack as wewl. I'm like 'gimme a fackin' break mate!!'"
Sarah: "Aw, it sounds amazing!"
Nadine walks over
Nadine: "Bond? Did I hear you say James Bond?"
Sarah: "Yeah, Amy Winehouse is doing the new song and she's in the film as well. How good is that?!"
Nadine: "Uh, I think you're mistaken darling. I've been promised the next Bond theme."
Sarah: "Stop lying Nadine. She's making it up"
Nadine shoots an evil glare at Sarah
Amy: "Oh, you can 'av it lav. I'm not arsed. You'll 'av to 'av a word with my manager, though."
Sarah: "But Amy, you'll be brilliant."
Nadine: "Ssshh, Sarah! Go and stand over there, go on!"
Sarah goes and stands by the litter bin with her face to the floor
Nadine: "So Amy, darling. Why don't you want the Bond role?"
Amy: "Just can't be arsed darlin'. Betta fings to do, ya nar?"
Nadine: "Well, I'm not sure I want it either. I may do, I'll have to check my diary."
Amy: "Do it lav! You'd be doin' me a massive favour."
Nadine: "Erm, mmmm... Okay, I'll do it!"
Nadine jumps up and down, clapping her hands.
Amy: "Great. You just need to convince my manager. Ere's 'is namba"
Nadine: "Oh, it'll be a piece of pi... I mean simple, no problem. I'll get my way, you'll see."
Kimberley comes over.
Kimberley: "Come on Nadine, you've got to hand in your case now. I've done mine.
Nadine: "Oh, very well"
Nadine goes to walk off with her case but then comes back.
Nadine: "Oh, could you hold this, it smells"
Nadine hands Kimberley her huge handbag and leaves her talking to Amy.
Cheryl: "God, I'm fuckin' bored. I hate waiting around in airports."
Nadine calls the girls.
Nadine: Come on ladies, our flight's boarding. Time to go, quick sticks."
Sarah runs over back over from the litter bin. Kimberley hands some money over to Amy, who gives her a mysterious small plastic bag. She gives Kim a peck on the cheek.
Amy: "See ya la'er lav"
Kimberley runs over to the other girls, lugging Nadine's bag along with her.
Scene Four: The girls are all sat in the seats on the plane.
Sarah: "Yes, I'll have vodka. A couple of mini whiskies. Three of those cute little Merlots, erm a Chardonnay, five aftershocks, a brandy, and a water thanks"
Flight Attendant: "That's rather a lot madam"
Sarah: "What? I'm gonna share!"
Flight Attendant: "Very well"
The trolley dolly hands over the drinks.
Sarah: "God, the cheek of some people..."
Nicola: "And French Fries!" - she says from inside the bag
Kimberley: "Ahem, yes and a packet of French Fries, please."
Nicola: "Cheese and Onion!"
Kimberley: "Nicola!" she snaps under her breath - "Yes, cheese and onion, thanks"
He gives Kim the crisps and moves on.
Kimberley: "Christ, Nicola. Are you trying to get us arrested?!"
Nicola: "I'm not the one who brought weed onto the plane. Very smart, mum."
Kimberley coughs loudly and looks around, smiling.
Kimberley: "Look, just be quiet or we'll never make it to L.A. And it's my first time, so I'd quite like to avoid going to prison instead, thank you. Now keep it schtum or I'll close this zip!"
Cheryl: "Ah, look who it is! Aw, it's the Sugababes."
She stands up and waves at the Sugababes as they walk down the aisle.
Cheryl: "Heidi, hi! Keisha! Mut... Amelle!
Keisha: "Oh, hi" she says with an insincere smile.
Keisha leans over and airkisses Nadine
Nadine: "Hello darling. So where are you going then?"
Keisha: "Oh, we're doing an album signing. I didn't expect to see you girls"
Nadine: "No? We're off to shoot our new video"
Keisha: "Oh yeah?"
Cheryl: "Yeah, it's on Malibu Beach. You've never done a video on Malibu Beach, have you? No, didn't think so!"
Keisha looks at Cheryl, very confused.
Keisha: "No, well our next video is set in Brooklyn. In the streets, man."
Kimberley: "Ooh, lovely!"
Cheryl: "Been there, done that" - she says, picking up a magazine to read.
Keisha: "I've heard it's really dangerous out there. But we're tough man, we can deal with it"
Amelle: "Yeah"
Keisha slaps Amelle and gives her a dirty look.
Nadine: "So, Heidi, how are you?"
Heidi doesn't react. She stands there looking straight ahead. Keisha leans over to Nadine and whispers.
Keisha: "Erm, I'm not not allowing them to speak in public at the moment. I feel it's best for everyone. In fact, I've had them practically sedated, so I shouldn't hear the a peep out of them for the next few hours."
Nadine: "Oh, haw haw!" - she chuckles - "Brilliant, I must try that one"
Kimberley: "So where are you sitting, girls?"
Keisha: "Oh, we're right down there in Executive Class, see you later."
Cheryl rolls her eyes and sucks her teeth. The Sugababes give her an evil smile as they walk off.
Nadine: "Bye darling!"
Sarah let's out a huge snore as she sleeps, and dribbles down her front, with empty drinks bottles surrounding her and a large wine stain on her dress.
An hour and a half later the plane touches down at their destination.
Nadine: "Golly, these flights get quicker and quicker everytime"
Kimberley: "Blimey, I've only read two Take A Breaks"
Cheryl: "Sarah, Sarah, wake up woman!"
Sarah: "Huh? Oh, we're here" she says before nodding off again
Nadine: "Come on, I want to get back to the hotel. They've got the penthouse suite waiting for me. Kimberley, have you got the bag?
Kimberley: "Nicola? Yeah, she's in 'ere still. She's gone a bit quiet, though."
The girls get off the plane and walk out onto the runway. They wait or their ride as they watch Sugababes drive into the distance.
Cheryl: "Fuck me, it's cold!"
Kimberley: "I thought it was boilin' in L.A."
Nadine: "Yes, I must say it is rather strange for it to get this chilly. It all looks rather different too"
Sarah: "Hold on, what does it say on the font of that bus? Dun... Dun.."
Cheryl: "Dundee Airport. Dundee Airport?! Nadine, we're in Dun-fucking-dee!"
Nadine: "Erm..."
Kimberley: "Ohhh nooo"
Sarah slaps her cheek and shakes her head in dissappointment
Suddenly there is a loud ripping sound and Nicola drops out the bottom of Nadine's bag. She's not moving...
Is Nicola going to be alright? How did they end up in Dundee? And what are they going to do about the new video? Find out in the next episode of What Did The Neighbours Say?: The Secret Life of Girls Aloud - Coming Soon.
